Okay, comic fans, this is what you’ve all been waiting for! Hold-322’s 2013 Tournament of Heroes has begun, and it is off to a hell of a start! Exclamation point!
In case you missed this week’s episode, or just what to be reminded of who has won and lost so far, here’s a recap of the results:
Superman (#1 seed) versus Kick Ass (#16 seed)
No surprises here. Since his green costume is not made from Kryptonite, and trying to sad Superman into throwing the match isn’t going to work, Kiss Ass loses this one badly.
Winner: Superman, by a 3-0 vote.
Silver Surfer (#2 seed) versus the Rocketeer (#15 seed)
Jeff was right when he declared this fight as “not fair to Billy Campbell”.
Winner: Silver Surfer, by a 3-0 vote.
Power Girl (#3 seed) versus Leonardo from the Ninja Turtles (#14 seed)
Her breasts are too distracting for Leo’s teenage brain, and her super powers too much for any non-powered ninja to overcome.
Winner: Power Girl, by a 3-0 vote.
Storm (#4 seed) versus Conan the barbarian (#13 seed)
Storm may be uber powerful, but her overconfidence may prove her downfall in this matchup. Plus, Conan is not easily deterred by shows of great power, having bested sorcerers and demons many times in his epic adventures.
Winner: Conan, by a 3-0 vote
Thor (#1 seed) versus Popeye (#16 seed)
Seriously, if you haven’t yet listened to the episode, you have to so you can hear JC and Jeff act out this hilarious slobber-knocker! Spinach proves useless against the god of thunder.
Winner: Thor, by a 3-0 vote.
Green Lantern: Hal Jordan (#2 seed) versus Green Hornet (#15 seed)
On the plus side for Green Hornet, he’s the one from the comic books, not the one played by Seth Rogan. Even still, without a power ring of his own and no Kato to help him out, he’s just out of his depth in this fight.
Winner: Green Lantern, by a 3-0 vote.
Dr. Strange (#3 seed) versus Michelangelo from the Ninja Turtles (#14 seed)
If Mikey had the element of surprise on his side, maybe, but we all agreed that magic beats ninja skills in a straight up fight between these two.
Winner: Dr. Strange, by a 3-0 vote.
Martian Manhunter (#4 seed) versus Hit Girl (#13 seed)
You would think a Martian with super strength, flight, and shape-shifting abilities could easily vanquish a pre-teen girl, right? Well, not in this case. Not when the pre-teen girl in question has a vast arsenal at her disposal, and the powerful Martian happens to be vulnerable to fire. We all agreed that Hit Girl would torch the Manhunter to a crisp.
Winner: Hit Girl, by a 3-0 vote.
Wonder Woman (#1 seed) versus Ax Cop (#16 seed)
This matchup caused a debate which lead to some temporary voter suppression on my part. Jeff voted for AX Cop, making a very astute argument that a character created by a five year old boy, especially a character that has faced and defeated everything from babysitters to dinosaurs with the greatest of ease, should have what it takes to take down even the iconic Amazon warrior princess in a fight. JC almost went along with Jeff’s argument until I somehow convinced him to change his vote. In hindsight, I should have either pitted Ax Cop against Hulk, or made him a higher seed. Come to think of it, he’d have made a great opponent for Wolverine. Obviously, Ax Cop was not the cupcake first round opponent I thought he’d be. Oh well. Live and learn. Wonder Woman just barely gets past this one.
Winner: Wonder Woman, by a 2-1 vote.
Spider Man—Peter Parker, pre: ASM #700 (#2 seed) versus The Spider (#15 seed)
A cool hat and jacket are not enough to best the world’s greatest super-hero (biased much? Yes I am). Peter doesn’t even break a sweat in this contest.
Winner: Spider-Man, by a 3-0 vote.
SHAZAM (#3 seed) versus Donatello from the Ninja Turtles (#14 seed)
Don is a lot smarter than Billy Batson, but his stick-fighting skills just can’t beat the power of SHAZAM.
Winner: SHAZAM, by a 3-0 vote.
Iron Man (#4 seed) versus Duke from G.I. Joe (#13 seed)
Oops. My ignorance is showing. I thought there actually was a character named Joe in G.I. Joe. Both Jeff and JC knew better. I re-read the comic I sighted on the show and learned they were right. I look the fool now. Anyhow, it was Duke who I thought was Joe, so my bad. But now I know, and knowing is half the battle, right? Anyhow, rather this G.I. is named Joe or Duke he still loses to a guy named Tony.
Winner: Iron Man, by a 3-0 vote.
The Hulk—Bruce Banner (#1 seed) versus Twilight Sparkle from My Little Ponies (#16 seed)
I naively made this match-up as a joke. I thought we’d all laugh about Hulk smashing the poor pony, but I was wrong. Jeff, so smart he can legally mock Mensa (and no, I’m not being sarcastic), saw things differently than I had. He saw what I hadn’t as he figured Twilight Sparkle’s cuteness factor into the equation. Jeff laid out a scenario where the popular little pony could get the Hulk to drop his guard and feel so relaxed he’d revert to Banner, and then BAM! Sparkle victory! JC and I understood Jeff’s logic, but still voted for the Hulk because he’s the Hulk.
Winner: the Hulk, by a 2-1 vote.
Batman (#2 seed) versus the Shadow (#15 seed)
What evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows, but that won’t help him win this fight.
Winner: Batman, by a 3-0 vote.
Captain Marvel—Carol Danvers (#3 seed) versus Raphael from the Ninja Turtles (#14 seed)
Raphael has always been my favorite Ninja Turtle. Unfortunately, his bad ass ninja skills fail to keep him from becoming turtle soup in this fight.
Winner: Captain Marvel, by a 3-0 vote.
Supergirl (#4 seed) versus Vampirella (#13 seed)
This would be one hot girl fight in my adolescent opinion, but ultimately, vampire powers and big boobs aren’t enough to defeat Superman’s equally powerful cousin.
Winner: Supergirl, by a 3-0 vote.
That’s it for this week’s match-ups. We’ll finish round one next week. Feel free to share your own opinions on the fights so far, if you want to. Until my next blog, be sure to listen to Hold 322, follow me on twitter @Robert_A_Easton, and read comics, read comics, read comics.